Just got home from a standard overnight shift ... fractured humerus, tendinitis, back pain, fractured femur, chest pain, etc. My last patient was a 4 year old girl with history of epileptic seizures and chronic respiratory and GI issues. She lives in peds ICU. She was sent down to the ER due to a febrile seizure, where I helped to monitor and care for her as her fever was brought down. I had seen a case similar to hers years back when I had volunteered in peds ICU ... kids with chronic issues can end up living in the ICU for long periods of time (even years), often not only due to their condition(s) but also to abandonment. Such was the case with this patient, except that her condition was compounded with neurodevelopmental damage from her history of seizures. She understood touch and voice and was somewhat able to communicate her feelings, but it was difficult for her to focus on any one object for too long and she can only utter sounds as her means of language. She is so used to having her respiratory secretions suctioned that she can hold the suctioning device and do it herself. As if her condition isn't tragic enough, it was even worse to learn that she hasn't had a visit from 'family' in weeks. After we took her back to ICU, I moved past the nurses and kissed her forehead and said, "goodbye beautiful". Her face turned up as her eyes attempted to focus on mine. One of the nurses said, "ohh, looks like someone has a boyfriend!" We all managed a laugh and then I went back to the ER where I went into the back office and cried. My supervising PA found me and told me to go ahead and go home an hour early.

It makes me feel ... both an appreciation and a hatred for my own life.